She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
