Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
