just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
