i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
