So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
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Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
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Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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