You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
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Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
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So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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