the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
