PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
