I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
