my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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