Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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