the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He kissed a someone with a penis
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
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She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Sorry my hands just texted you
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
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If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize