i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
