dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
