I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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