fuck your aforementioned shoe
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
