Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
