She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
zippers are such a cool invention
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
