Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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