The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My ass is underappreciated
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
