Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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