Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
