I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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