Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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