$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
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I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
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I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
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