my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
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I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
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This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.