final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
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What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
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I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome