My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
