from now on my penis is your penis
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
