yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
