I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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