were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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