I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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