i love accidental penises.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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