I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize