i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
