Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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