I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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