turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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