If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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