I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i barfeds in our rink
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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