Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
