The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
