The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.