did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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