Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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