yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
