Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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