I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
