I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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