what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
