i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
