i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
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He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
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Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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