____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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