i already hear my dad disowning me
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
