I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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