we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
