I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Damn victory sex feels great
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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